Your face is a jimmy john
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
