Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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