she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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