I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
True strength comes from lack of pants
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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