I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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