My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
