My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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