I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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