mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
