Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
