in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
