NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
