If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
