Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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