I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
