Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
