I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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