I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
