my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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