after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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