tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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