he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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