you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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