I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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