You smell like a Billy Joel song
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My bed smells like the plague
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