between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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