I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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