I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
