Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
