we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
