I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
