I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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