My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
