the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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