Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
