I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
