There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
