I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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