We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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