you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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