I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
