Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I need water and some morals
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
