if i can run in heels then i can drive
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
