i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
