I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
