You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
