I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
