yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
