i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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