Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
