you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
