he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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