I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
