The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
